(Performed at a private party to celebrate the 70th birthday of Wilbur Ross, the Forbes 400 steel billionaire, Palm Beach, Florida, December 2007.)

to “They All Laughed At Christopher Columbus”

They all said that Wilbur Ross was crazy

When he put his faith in steel,

Buying troubled companies with startling zeal;

Wall Street thought he’d end up in the poor house,

Convinced that he’d be crushed;

He struck a deal

With Mittal Steel

And his harshest critics blushed;

He was audacious and bold,

Turning tarnished steel to gold,

Which proved Wilbur rocks,

Sure he’s crazy – like a fox!

Calm and cool, strategic and effective,

All they could say was Wow!

And golly gee,

Look who’s in clover now!

This quiet kid who grew up in New Jersey’s

Now a major T.V. star,

With the Money Honey, he’s a big pooh-bah;

Now on Squawk Box once a month he’s hosting,

A total pro emcee,

Moguls read his lips,

Hoping for tips,

From the King of Bankruptcy.

And he looks suave, he looks swell

With a Palm Beach tan, he fell

In love with Hilary,

She’s spruced him up, quite charmingly;

Stealth and wealth’s his modus operandi,

Now he’s a dandy too!

Love struck, and how!

Wilbur’s in clover now.

to “I Did It My Way”

He takes huge risks,

And pounces fast,

When giant industries are flailing;

He’ll watch and wait, then swoop in quick,

When most investors feel like bailing;

When striking deals, he’s like a sphinx,

His acting skills deserve 3 Tony’s,

He grabs his prize, others may lack his cajones!

to “The Guy’s Only Doing It For Some Doll”

He has nimbly fought

In bankruptcy court,

Being a witness there is Wilbur’s idea of hell;

Could lose billions if he blows it,

If he’s anxious, never shows it,

Calm and cool’s a look that Wilbur pulls off well.

to “Baby Face”

He’s got that poker face,

That very shrewd, mysterious poker face,

With friends he smiles

But when he plots his course, hides his ace,

He can stare for hours not blinking,

No one knows what Wilbur’s thinking!

Poker face! And he prevails by dint of

Awesome self control,

’Cause he’s immutable and quite inscrutable

With that perfect poker face!

to “That’s Why the Lady Is a Tramp”

He’s always traveling to Japan and Korea,

But if you need to reach him quickly, don’t fear:

His Blackberry’s surgically attached to his hand,

He’s always quietly in command.

Never gets jet lag, he’s too full of pep

And is he happy being global? Oh yep!

Flies back from Tokyo fresh, not berserk,

Ready for dinner at Le Cirque.

He’s wide awake on five hours of sleep,

Young men would weep to have his schedule one week,

Resides in splendor, Wilbur’s no tramp.

This grown-up birthday boy’s a champ!

For Wilbur, raising huge funds is no chore,

His W.L.R. Recovery Fund Four,

As of last week had reached its four billion score,

Wilbur’s favorite word is “more.”

to “Ain’t We Got Fun”

For coal and steel and auto parts, gee,

Wilbur’s got funds,

Textiles on a global scale,

Ain’t he got funds;

He loves Palm Beach-for-work-and-play

That perk was due,

He loves the weather,

The tax laws too!

Loves a game of tennis

While raising funds,

He’ll gladly play twice a day

While raising funds,

He’s mad for China,

His favorite part

Is being a raider

Of contemporary art.

Wilbur likes to work a lot

But still has fun,

First two marriages were practice,

He found the one!

They’re cozy sweethearts,

Romance is a thrill,

Cupid is smiling

On Wil and Hil;

Wilbur’s not a stay-at-home guy,

Loves to have fun,

So many pairs of velvet slippers,

Hard to chose one;

His kind of bliss is

A glorious night with friends, like this is!

Happy couple

Still supple

Ain’t they got fun!

to “The Guy’s Only Doing It For Some Doll”

With their dazzling view

On Fifth Avenue,

They hired the Prince of Chintz for some swell décor;

The result was sheer perfection,

A glorious confection

And Wilbur was thrilled – but he wanted more!

His adoring wife

Had the shock of her life

When he said their new abode, the 30th floor,

Could maybe be more roomy,

It was hardly small or gloomy

But he was thinking, why not go for more?

to “Downtown”

Hilary’s a lady, and Upper East Side girl,

But for love she’s moved midtown;

Gave up her roots to move with her hubby

To a new locale, midtown;

Life with Wilbur Ross is an adventure, through his dealings,

They’re warming to the novelty of 22-foot ceilings

In midtown;

Now it’s a palace, a sweet pleasure dome,

A fabulous penthouse they get to call home,

In midtown – a new Xanadu in the sky.

to “42nd Street”

Wilbur swept her off her feet,

She bid adieu to the places she knew

For Fifty-Seventh Street!

It has a wondrous ballroom

That fits hundreds of adults,

The Prince of Chintz did it in three months,

Wilbur gets results!

It’s fun, it’s swell, and life is sweet,

They’ve found romance, and ballroom to dance,

On Fifty-Seventh Street. 

It shows what you can do

If you’re a genius with debt,

It’s swell, although it doesn’t have

A tennis court – not yet!

It’s fun, it’s swell, now life’s complete,

He’s found true romance and ballroom to dance

On Fifty-Seventh Street! 

Congratulations Wilbur and Happy Birthday!